In Memory of Dr. Susan Barnes

A small, private San Francisco memorial service takes place today

[Susan in her beloved Alaska. It's another great shot from Hadas, from that 1990 trip north.]

Elisabeth Wilson, the interim director for Family and Community Medicine at San Francisco General Hospital, has informed me that Susan's former colleagues are holding a Memorial for Susan Barnes today in the Comfort Garden there.

The garden is a small space, so they couldn't open the informal event to the general public (if the response to this web site is any indication, there could have been an overflow crowd).

But I thought y'all would like to know that the event was being held today, and that Susan's medical colleagues were remembering her and celebrating her life.

Chris

Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss writes an open letter to Susan

[Hadas sent this great "Alaska or Bust!" shot from 1990, when she went with Susan on a trip to Alaska with a WAY overloaded trailer that later broke off the hitch. cb]

 

Hey Susan.

I bet you’re checking this website.  I apologize for the grief I caused you and totally forgive you for any grief you caused me.

I’m sorry for all the pain doled out to you and endured by you both in your childhood and adulthood. I wish people didn’t fear and hate the fact that you were gay and butch.  I’m so sorry so many were so awful about your size.  I’m most sorry for the self-loathing you embodied as a direct result of the meanness heaped on you.  I wish more people would have known the extent of pain you were in.  I regret that I and others who might have known how much pain you were in were unable to help you break down enough of what plagued you. 

It saddens me how much physical and emotional pain you were in before and after your weight-loss surgery.  I wonder what if you weren’t emotionally isolated.  I’m truly sorry that you couldn’t see a way out of your pain and that your pain surpassed your pleasure in life.

I respect your right to end your misery while I mourn the loss of your actual and potential gifts to the world.  You were f-ing smart, perceptive, funny, compassionate, strong, competent, responsible, and generous. 

Thank you for everything positive you sent my way, for your politics, and for shaping who I am today.

Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss

 

[Hadas also sent some pictures of Susan from 1989, the earliest I think I've gotten.

This one at left is from a camping trip she was on with Susan, and she notes that Susan still had her tattoos in this shot. She'd later had them removed when she went to med school.

Aren't you curious about the underwear in the bushes back there? I am.

The shot below is from San Francisco Gay Pride 1989, an event Hadas says Susan hated to miss.

This particular picture is significant because she's wearing the "famous" (or infamous?) sunglasses.  cb]

From the Guestbook: Minda Armstrong on how Susan could make a party

Remembering Susan.

I have to say, I am stunned by Susan's death. I met her, like so many of us, thanks to the Xenaverse. It was about 10 years ago when she first came to my home to participate in a crazy, pre-San Francisco convention, Xena party. Susan loved the parties.

She always brought something to share and helped in every way possible. I was amazed at her special home-baked “chakram” cookies. How did she ever find the time to make them with her busy schedule? I’ll always remember Susan bringing her infamous Gabrielle-esque "ugly green sports bra Game" to the parties to add to the amusement of all of us. How did she ever convince us to play it? That was Susan, with her charming smile.

I think back to our trip to Vancouver and the Canadian Rockies. Cathy has added Susan's picture wearing "Ed the Sock" t-shirt to this site.

Well, that occasion was a complete surprise in our vacation plans, to suddenly be in the middle of the Vancouver Gay Pride Parade. Susan was always game for an adventure.

Tam drove the sponsor car, Susan & Cathy and I walked behind, handing out bottles of water along the route, with everyone begging Susan to give them her Ed the Sock t-shirt. She almost gave in… the shirt off her back. That was Susan. And later that day, several of us joined Susan in several helpings of the local "summer ice" oysters at Granville Island. (She did love her oysters.) At that point, the “summer ice” oyster was her sweet favorite.

I remember Susan’s excitement getting onto a horse at Lake Louise, in the Canadian Rockies. (And her equal excitement to get off!) She was so proud that she could do new things like that after her surgery.

And of new things, I’m reminded of a wonderful dinner the three of us had in Jasper. Susan loved new experiences and she had never tasted 'grappa' before. We were all stuffed after the big meal and I told Susan that she had to try it, just once ("once in a lifetime") because it's also supposed to be a great digestive. She was skeptical, but so curious she couldn’t pass it up. So we ordered a glass and the three of us shared. I can still remember the face Susan made when she tasted it. "It really DOES taste like turpentine!" And she scrunched up her face, then laughed, and after another sip she coughed, "you get kind of used to it." We all laughed. Then, she thanked me for bringing her a new “first experience", dubious as it was. I felt honored.

[Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss sent this great shot of Susan at the Portage Glacier from 1990. BTW, the ice at this glacier has receded so much, you have to hike about a mile or more back to get to it now, in 2006. When I was 5, most of this entire lake was all ice. cb]

Mostly, I remember how in awe she was climbing a glacier and how she wanted to stop for every wild animal and lake sighted from the road, just to observe and marvel at the simple beauty of it all. On one such stop, in the middle of the road, I laughed from the back seat of our car as Cathy and I watched her wrestle with a herd of wild goats, long tamed by other tourists, as they poked their heads in her window, drooling and nudging her, grappling for the bag of treats in her hand. She was absolutely out of control with the giggles and faux-indignation, trying to push the noses back.

This was the part of life that Susan was in love with. This is how I will remember her…always.

You’re in our hearts, Susan.

Minda Armstrong

From the Guestbook: Martha Radetsky remembers swinging and singing bad '70s songs

I've known Susan since we were in our early/mid twenties.... a thousand or so years ago. I just heard this morning that she is gone. It is difficult news. My friendship with Susan has often been a rocky road and we were in the middle (or so I thought) of a rather rocky stretch. I loved her and I know she knew that, but she also knew I was angry at her, and I'm feeling bad about that. I hold on to stupid, petty things for too long, and before you know it it's too late to say I'm sorry.

Well Susan, I am sorry. Sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. And I'm angry that you couldn't find a way to let me know. I thought things were better in Haines.

In our youth, Susan and I would go up to the swings at Alamo Square Park late at night and sing really bad 70's songs (imagine "Billy Don't Be a Hero" at the top of our lungs) while swinging madly. It was fun. I mean REALLY FUN!

I first knew Susan in San Francisco and later visited her in LA (UCLA for her MPH),in The Bronx (med school), and finally last summer in Alaska. It was a strained visit as Susan was working a swing shift and trying to entertain me and she wasn't getting much sleep... but we managed to have fun anyway. She took me whale watching and caving and I got to ride in a float plane.

I am not a dog person, never have been, but I've know Shubert since the first day Susan met her and they were so good together. She loved her other dogs too, of course, but they were really initially there to be company for Shubert. It was so much fun to watch Susan with her girls. So much love. I'm so glad they have found a loving home.

Has anybody told Claudine? A friend from med school? And Claud, if you read this call me. You can google for my number.

Martha Radetsky

From the Guestbook: Suzun Brackenbury looks back on 27 years knowing Susan

I have known Susan for more than half of my life; 27 years we considered each other family.

She was my first love at the age of 25. She has been a true friend through out the last 27 years of my life. As friends sometimes do there have been times when we hadn't seen or heard from each other for months but when we did reconnect it was as if no time at all had passed.

Before she moved to AK, for the third or fourth time I can't remember, she threw a fabulous going away party ; she went all out for her friends/ family. That woman knew how to throw a wonderful party! I was happy to stay and help with the garage sale and subsequent packing up for the trip the following day.

That day in March Susan, Johann and the galz were to make the journey to Vancouver and ultimately AK. With promises to call, write and visit she was gone. It was the last time I saw that million dollar smile and those wonderful "Galz"... March 2005.

She reached AK; there were emails and a few phone calls with talk of my visiting in the summer 2006. It had been a couple of months since we last spoke but through emails we had planned a visit to her this summer in her beloved Alaska. I was to finally get to see why she love that particular place on the planet. Though through emails with digial photos it was easy to see the Alaska lure.

Unfortunately my health kept me from making the trip and I figured there would always be the fall or next summer; not so! I figured my friends will always be a phone call, email or a visit away. Susan's passing wakes me to our mortality as humans and to connect with those I most love. I deeply regret not giving her a call when I thought of her which was almost daily.

Reminders of Susan occur in my life daily; seeing Boxers romping in the dog park, listening to music, watching independent films especially Eraserhead and other quirky films; for instance just the other day I saw A Scanner Darkly I thought: "Oh I gotta tell Susan to go see this one or rent it when it comes out on video." I did not make that call thinking: "there's always tomorrow." With this knowledge I have made those calls to friends and family in the days since hearing of her taking her own life. Making sure those dear to me know exactly that!

I knew she had been depressed about many things in her life yet was extremely happy to have found "the most beautiful place on earth" to live and with her beloved "galz" and her "great job as the medical director in Haines". I had hoped those things that were going right and the galz she held most precious would sustain her through her physical, emotional and financial pain. Tragically I was wrong.

A deep thank you to Dianne Nelson for taking in the galz Cricket, Bailey and Shubert at Susan's request. Let it be known if anyone wishes to make a donation in Susan's send it to the care of her "galz" via Diane Nelson (see the post from Leah for the address). There is a memorial being planned at UCSF (where Susan worked before this last move to AK ) as I write this post. Will post the particulars when I know more.

Great appreciation and healing energy going out to Hosanna and Katt for speaking with her parents asking them to allow her friends / chosen family see to her remains and personal effects. It means so much to me knowing that "they" are not in charge. My deep gratitude to you two Hosanna and Katt for doing what must be one of the hardest things you have done. I have had that responsiblity more than once and know it is a tremendouly difficult task. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring and being there for Susan. She had spoken of you often to me in her emails and phone calls. So many friends of Susan's I had yet to meet but feel we all share the bond of knowing such a brilliant, warm, generous, thoughtful, intellegent, bright, funny and loving friend/warrior Susan Barnes.

She was an expert wordsmith whom could paint glorious pictures of her beloved Alaska. I am saddened I will never again get an email update on the Alaskan adventures she and the "galz" would have taken with full travel log including photos.

Perhaps I will make a trek to Alaska someday to see the galz and the beauty of Haines if my health permits; pay homage to my friend/family of choice, Susan, aka Alaska.

M'dear Susan, go with dogspeed to join Maggie, be surrounded by boxers kisses and much love. Go now and run with the dogs, romp and play where there is ony lightness and energy.

Dogspeed to you m'dear you are missed more than is possible to express. In my heart you are always there .... my friend my family.

Suzun Brackenbury

From the Guestbook: Debbie Cauble on making each day count

The ripples of Susan's life continue to wash over us. How fully she loved life and loved her beautiful Alaska. How passionately and selflessly she cared for other people and other living beings, including her beloved boxers. How spiritedly she embraced adventure and change and fun. How much she had to bear, and how little some of us knew about that.

In the days since Susan left us people have reached out to others in many ways. In life and beyond life, she had so much more impact than she ever knew. I'll never forget this wonderful complex woman that I never quite got up to see when she lived in San Francisco. Like Terry I never thought there wouldn't be a later.

In Susan's honor and memory, I'm going to try to not let life pass me by, and work on being more attuned to what others may be suffering.

Nola's comment really struck me - that Susan's passion for life never changed, even as she chose to end her own.

My heart goes out to all of Susan's wide circle of friends, and especially those closest to her.

Debbie Cauble   

From the Guestbook: Christine Hamric remembers how xalaska's personality came through right off the screen

"xalaska" ...

You know, I always moved a little closer to my screen and prepared myself for another enthralling story whenever I saw that name identifying the sender on our "Boxer List" group. I knew another story about Susan Barnes was at hand. I could count on that. A great story. A few moments of pleasant escape into a true-life adventure.

At those times I'd ponder: Who IS this person, "xalaska" aka Susan Barnes? She seemed to me to be a vulnerable young girl on her own in life with her dogs to protect, who shared some of her joys and challenges in San Francisco who eventually undertook a journey toward a new life in Alaska.

She was doing this alone, and we could relate to her occasional trepidations of the task ahead. Well, of course, she made it. She settled in and reported back to the group the many milestones of her new life.

Sure, I was interested in her because of the dogs our group had in common -- heaven knows how much she loved those Boxers, and we all related to that. But I found her especially magnetic because of her somewhat bigger than life stories and the way she told them.

It wasn't until a couple of days ago, after the news of her passing, that I became aware of the details of her life. My relationship with Susan was quite simple. She blessed me with occasional stories which she posted to our Boxer group. I am shocked and deeply saddened by the news of her passing, and am now thankful to have some closure through reading what others are sharing about this lovely person.

She was an active contributor to our Boxer newsgroup. I'm going to miss that. God speed, xalaska. Thank you for the adventures. Run now with Maggie and Junebug.

Christine Hamric
San Diego, CA
www.boxerfancy.com