In Memory of Dr. Susan Barnes

Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss writes an open letter to Susan

[Hadas sent this great "Alaska or Bust!" shot from 1990, when she went with Susan on a trip to Alaska with a WAY overloaded trailer that later broke off the hitch. cb]

 

Hey Susan.

I bet you’re checking this website.  I apologize for the grief I caused you and totally forgive you for any grief you caused me.

I’m sorry for all the pain doled out to you and endured by you both in your childhood and adulthood. I wish people didn’t fear and hate the fact that you were gay and butch.  I’m so sorry so many were so awful about your size.  I’m most sorry for the self-loathing you embodied as a direct result of the meanness heaped on you.  I wish more people would have known the extent of pain you were in.  I regret that I and others who might have known how much pain you were in were unable to help you break down enough of what plagued you. 

It saddens me how much physical and emotional pain you were in before and after your weight-loss surgery.  I wonder what if you weren’t emotionally isolated.  I’m truly sorry that you couldn’t see a way out of your pain and that your pain surpassed your pleasure in life.

I respect your right to end your misery while I mourn the loss of your actual and potential gifts to the world.  You were f-ing smart, perceptive, funny, compassionate, strong, competent, responsible, and generous. 

Thank you for everything positive you sent my way, for your politics, and for shaping who I am today.

Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss

 

[Hadas also sent some pictures of Susan from 1989, the earliest I think I've gotten.

This one at left is from a camping trip she was on with Susan, and she notes that Susan still had her tattoos in this shot. She'd later had them removed when she went to med school.

Aren't you curious about the underwear in the bushes back there? I am.

The shot below is from San Francisco Gay Pride 1989, an event Hadas says Susan hated to miss.

This particular picture is significant because she's wearing the "famous" (or infamous?) sunglasses.  cb]

From the Guestbook: Dawn Thompson regrets only knowing the cyber-Susan

[One of Susan's shots looking out on the port at Haines, Alaska, where she wrote to many of us online, sometimes from an apartment, sometimes from her small trailer. cb]

I am kicking myself now. I had the opportunity to meet Susan when she lived in San Francisco, but our schedules just never seemed to mesh. You always think there will be a later.

We shared many stories of our boxers, and the silliness that accompanies having these wonderful creatures in our lives. We commiserated about rescue, and attempting to be foster homes. Her experience was unsuccessful, and she had to give up fostering, ours was unsuccessful in that our foster came to stay for good.

Such a giving and loving person. I cannot even begin to express how big her heart was. I loved reading her posts about Alaska. It is someplace I have always wanted to go, and my husband and I have been planning a visit in the next year or two, and Susan offered to let us stay with her while we were up there. I was very much looking forward to it.

I read with great interest her post about finding a dog nanny...and spoke to her about it. How I wish an opportunity like that had come my way when I was younger. I would have dropped everything and high tailed it to Alaska.

I didnt know about her love for the Xena show, and the fandom that surrounded it. I wish I had. I myself am not a huge fan of it, but many of my friends are, and I would love to have introduced her to them.

Susan..... I never had the privilege of meeting you in person.... but you have made such an impact in my life. I feel such sorrow that you have gone. That I will never get to read of your wonderful adventures... that I have lost someone in my life that cared so much, and gave their friendship completely and totaly, with no holding back, and no strings attached. That is such a rare thing.

I feel that I have failed in friendship to you.... I should have written more. I should have asked more questions. I should have listened better. I miss you, my friend.

Dawn Thompson

Vancouver Photo from Nola: Chocolate Festival!

Nola (enjay) sent this great shot of a little Chocolate Festival a group of Xena fans had in Vancouver. She says everyone brought chocolates from their favorite chocolatier and they had a tasting. That's Wishes, Tam, Susan, jill, Minda, Demeter, and Cathy!

More from Nola:

"Three attendees were not local, so there was a great range of products to taste. Susan brought the most elite chocolate samples, the Scharffen Berger, including the 82% cacao Extra Dark. Take a nibble of that and you knew you'd had chocolate. I still remember the seriousness with which she approached the subject of Good Chocolate, and her joy in our little Festival celebrating it."

Chris

From the Guestbook: Minda Armstrong on how Susan could make a party

Remembering Susan.

I have to say, I am stunned by Susan's death. I met her, like so many of us, thanks to the Xenaverse. It was about 10 years ago when she first came to my home to participate in a crazy, pre-San Francisco convention, Xena party. Susan loved the parties.

She always brought something to share and helped in every way possible. I was amazed at her special home-baked “chakram” cookies. How did she ever find the time to make them with her busy schedule? I’ll always remember Susan bringing her infamous Gabrielle-esque "ugly green sports bra Game" to the parties to add to the amusement of all of us. How did she ever convince us to play it? That was Susan, with her charming smile.

I think back to our trip to Vancouver and the Canadian Rockies. Cathy has added Susan's picture wearing "Ed the Sock" t-shirt to this site.

Well, that occasion was a complete surprise in our vacation plans, to suddenly be in the middle of the Vancouver Gay Pride Parade. Susan was always game for an adventure.

Tam drove the sponsor car, Susan & Cathy and I walked behind, handing out bottles of water along the route, with everyone begging Susan to give them her Ed the Sock t-shirt. She almost gave in… the shirt off her back. That was Susan. And later that day, several of us joined Susan in several helpings of the local "summer ice" oysters at Granville Island. (She did love her oysters.) At that point, the “summer ice” oyster was her sweet favorite.

I remember Susan’s excitement getting onto a horse at Lake Louise, in the Canadian Rockies. (And her equal excitement to get off!) She was so proud that she could do new things like that after her surgery.

And of new things, I’m reminded of a wonderful dinner the three of us had in Jasper. Susan loved new experiences and she had never tasted 'grappa' before. We were all stuffed after the big meal and I told Susan that she had to try it, just once ("once in a lifetime") because it's also supposed to be a great digestive. She was skeptical, but so curious she couldn’t pass it up. So we ordered a glass and the three of us shared. I can still remember the face Susan made when she tasted it. "It really DOES taste like turpentine!" And she scrunched up her face, then laughed, and after another sip she coughed, "you get kind of used to it." We all laughed. Then, she thanked me for bringing her a new “first experience", dubious as it was. I felt honored.

[Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss sent this great shot of Susan at the Portage Glacier from 1990. BTW, the ice at this glacier has receded so much, you have to hike about a mile or more back to get to it now, in 2006. When I was 5, most of this entire lake was all ice. cb]

Mostly, I remember how in awe she was climbing a glacier and how she wanted to stop for every wild animal and lake sighted from the road, just to observe and marvel at the simple beauty of it all. On one such stop, in the middle of the road, I laughed from the back seat of our car as Cathy and I watched her wrestle with a herd of wild goats, long tamed by other tourists, as they poked their heads in her window, drooling and nudging her, grappling for the bag of treats in her hand. She was absolutely out of control with the giggles and faux-indignation, trying to push the noses back.

This was the part of life that Susan was in love with. This is how I will remember her…always.

You’re in our hearts, Susan.

Minda Armstrong

From the Guestbook: Martha Radetsky remembers swinging and singing bad '70s songs

I've known Susan since we were in our early/mid twenties.... a thousand or so years ago. I just heard this morning that she is gone. It is difficult news. My friendship with Susan has often been a rocky road and we were in the middle (or so I thought) of a rather rocky stretch. I loved her and I know she knew that, but she also knew I was angry at her, and I'm feeling bad about that. I hold on to stupid, petty things for too long, and before you know it it's too late to say I'm sorry.

Well Susan, I am sorry. Sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. And I'm angry that you couldn't find a way to let me know. I thought things were better in Haines.

In our youth, Susan and I would go up to the swings at Alamo Square Park late at night and sing really bad 70's songs (imagine "Billy Don't Be a Hero" at the top of our lungs) while swinging madly. It was fun. I mean REALLY FUN!

I first knew Susan in San Francisco and later visited her in LA (UCLA for her MPH),in The Bronx (med school), and finally last summer in Alaska. It was a strained visit as Susan was working a swing shift and trying to entertain me and she wasn't getting much sleep... but we managed to have fun anyway. She took me whale watching and caving and I got to ride in a float plane.

I am not a dog person, never have been, but I've know Shubert since the first day Susan met her and they were so good together. She loved her other dogs too, of course, but they were really initially there to be company for Shubert. It was so much fun to watch Susan with her girls. So much love. I'm so glad they have found a loving home.

Has anybody told Claudine? A friend from med school? And Claud, if you read this call me. You can google for my number.

Martha Radetsky

From the Guestbook: Suzun Brackenbury looks back on 27 years knowing Susan

I have known Susan for more than half of my life; 27 years we considered each other family.

She was my first love at the age of 25. She has been a true friend through out the last 27 years of my life. As friends sometimes do there have been times when we hadn't seen or heard from each other for months but when we did reconnect it was as if no time at all had passed.

Before she moved to AK, for the third or fourth time I can't remember, she threw a fabulous going away party ; she went all out for her friends/ family. That woman knew how to throw a wonderful party! I was happy to stay and help with the garage sale and subsequent packing up for the trip the following day.

That day in March Susan, Johann and the galz were to make the journey to Vancouver and ultimately AK. With promises to call, write and visit she was gone. It was the last time I saw that million dollar smile and those wonderful "Galz"... March 2005.

She reached AK; there were emails and a few phone calls with talk of my visiting in the summer 2006. It had been a couple of months since we last spoke but through emails we had planned a visit to her this summer in her beloved Alaska. I was to finally get to see why she love that particular place on the planet. Though through emails with digial photos it was easy to see the Alaska lure.

Unfortunately my health kept me from making the trip and I figured there would always be the fall or next summer; not so! I figured my friends will always be a phone call, email or a visit away. Susan's passing wakes me to our mortality as humans and to connect with those I most love. I deeply regret not giving her a call when I thought of her which was almost daily.

Reminders of Susan occur in my life daily; seeing Boxers romping in the dog park, listening to music, watching independent films especially Eraserhead and other quirky films; for instance just the other day I saw A Scanner Darkly I thought: "Oh I gotta tell Susan to go see this one or rent it when it comes out on video." I did not make that call thinking: "there's always tomorrow." With this knowledge I have made those calls to friends and family in the days since hearing of her taking her own life. Making sure those dear to me know exactly that!

I knew she had been depressed about many things in her life yet was extremely happy to have found "the most beautiful place on earth" to live and with her beloved "galz" and her "great job as the medical director in Haines". I had hoped those things that were going right and the galz she held most precious would sustain her through her physical, emotional and financial pain. Tragically I was wrong.

A deep thank you to Dianne Nelson for taking in the galz Cricket, Bailey and Shubert at Susan's request. Let it be known if anyone wishes to make a donation in Susan's send it to the care of her "galz" via Diane Nelson (see the post from Leah for the address). There is a memorial being planned at UCSF (where Susan worked before this last move to AK ) as I write this post. Will post the particulars when I know more.

Great appreciation and healing energy going out to Hosanna and Katt for speaking with her parents asking them to allow her friends / chosen family see to her remains and personal effects. It means so much to me knowing that "they" are not in charge. My deep gratitude to you two Hosanna and Katt for doing what must be one of the hardest things you have done. I have had that responsiblity more than once and know it is a tremendouly difficult task. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring and being there for Susan. She had spoken of you often to me in her emails and phone calls. So many friends of Susan's I had yet to meet but feel we all share the bond of knowing such a brilliant, warm, generous, thoughtful, intellegent, bright, funny and loving friend/warrior Susan Barnes.

She was an expert wordsmith whom could paint glorious pictures of her beloved Alaska. I am saddened I will never again get an email update on the Alaskan adventures she and the "galz" would have taken with full travel log including photos.

Perhaps I will make a trek to Alaska someday to see the galz and the beauty of Haines if my health permits; pay homage to my friend/family of choice, Susan, aka Alaska.

M'dear Susan, go with dogspeed to join Maggie, be surrounded by boxers kisses and much love. Go now and run with the dogs, romp and play where there is ony lightness and energy.

Dogspeed to you m'dear you are missed more than is possible to express. In my heart you are always there .... my friend my family.

Suzun Brackenbury

From the Guestbook: alwayslooking on Susan's personal battles

When I think of Susan, I remember the battle between what she wanted to be doing and the burdens she carried in doing it, both financial and personal.

Then I look at that great picture of her with her dogs in the snow, and remember the glee with which she talked about that particular moment, and figure this is a portrait of the loving and caring person behind all the pressures.

I never had an opportunity to meet Susan, though I dreamed of getting to Alaska. She'd have made a great destination. I admired her work in small places which desperately needed her help, and her willingness to search for the right post, even if it meant making tough decisions. No decision must have been tougher than this one, though. I hope she has found peace.

alwayslooking/Frances

From the Guestbook: Terri Latta-Soja on how the Boxer Mailing List reacts to Susan's death

I spent a lot of time thinking of Susan this week. I knew her from the Boxer Mailing List and even though we never met in person, her emails often touched me or made me laugh.

After her death, the list opened up to discussions of many things "non" Boxer, as people talked about depression or their surgery problems or being gay.

I don't think Susan ever realized the impact she had on people and even in death she got people to talk about things that they normally keep to themselves.

Godspeed Susan, we'll miss you!

Terri Latta-Soja

From the Guestbook: Shelley Saunders thinking of Susan at the time of her memorial service

I knew Susan only via the Boxer list on the internet, yet felt as if she was my friend. I wrote her individually just because her warmth and intelligence were so obvious through her messages, and I wanted to start a dialogue with her. And we wrote often, sharing thoughts and just chatting about our dogs. I found her to be, in a word, genuine. For me, that's a quality hard to find these days. She had a profound love of people and of her dogs. I didn't know her family circumstances, and she never spoke of her family.

But at a time in my life when I felt terribly alone and really depressed, Susan was there. From thousands of miles away, she wrote me from her heart, and while she may not have fully known the effect they had, her words and her kindness saw me through.

I was away from my home, caring for a relative who was dying, and caring for my mother, age 89, who was beginning to show signs of cognitive impairment. Susan's emails made me feel as if she was there beside me, seeing me through it all. She didn't simply say, I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do, but she detailed her own thoughts in a way that slipped into my consciousness as pure kindness and caring. We connected. Her words gave me great comfort, especially when I found myself having to join with others to finally make a decision to withdraw life support from my uncle. I so wish that I had known of her turmoil and pain; I would have tried to help.

In my experience, when a calming presence was all that was needed, Susan was there.

At those times when the unexplainable needed to be explained, Susan was there.

When a gentle touch, a firm push, or an encouraging word was needed, Susan was there.

To witness humanity, its beauty, in good times and in bad, Susan was there.

To embrace the woes of the world, willingly, and offer hope, Susan was there.

And now that it is time to be beside her maker, Susan is there!

At 6 pm EDT yesterday, just as Haines honored her with a memorial, I lit a candle and offered prayer for my friend, her galz, and Dianne Nelson, Susan's angel who is caring for the galz. While I do not know anything of Susan's religious beliefs, I thought of a little-known hymn which I felt was appropriate. I hope you don't mind me sharing it here:

O Love, that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light, that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy, that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross, that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

I honor her goodness and treasure my memories in my heart. Godspeed and God bless you Susan.

Shelley Saunders

From the Guestbook: Scrivo remembers Xena Night at Meow Mix

i've been thinking a lot about susan all week.

she was the first xena fan i ever met in person and meeting her eventually led me to meet so many more friends, people who have been extremely important in my life. i owe it all to susan.

i met her at the first xena night i ever went to at meow mix in nyc. she eventually sponsored me to a super dooper secret listserv for xena fans. even though i have met many more people because of having met susan, i have yet to meet a kinder, more giving one.

i haven't seen susan in years but that hasn't changed her ability to touch my heart or our ability to connect when the need was there.

i will miss her. i do miss her.

linda fiorella (aka Scrivo)