In Memory of Dr. Susan Barnes

Please Sign the Guestbook

Click the Comments link to sign the Guestbook and add your thoughts and memories of Susan and condolences for all of us, her extended family.

Some guestbook entries may be brought out to be entries on the site.

If you have photos to share of good times with Susan, doggie pictures, Xena pictures, or your own artwork or flowers to leave behind, please email them to me and I will be happy to post them.

Check back often, and when you leave your thoughts, be sure to put the different nicknames friends knew you by in different online groups, so that we can reconnect with each other and talk as well.

These are my mom's Alaskan roses, which I leave here beneath the Northern Lights to start the memorial. And some Xena music.

Chris aka "Nomad"

Download 17_funeral_dance.mp3

Anchorage Memorial Service for Susan is Saturday, Sept 2 starting at 6 pm; formal service at 7 pm

I received the notice below from two sources, one saying 6 pm and one saying 6:30 pm. My guess is that if you show up at 6 p, you'll have it covered, and the formal part of the service starts at 7 pm. I sort of edited and combined the two notices, but thank you to Hosanna and Vic for adding them to the site! I tried to put it in a format so anyone can copy and paste below and send it on to whomever you like.

There will be a CELEBRATION OF LIFE FOR SUSAN BARNES Saturday, September 2nd, 2006 starting at 6 P.M. in Anchorage. This notice was posted on the Grrlz List - a weekly e-mail connecting the Womyn's Community in Anchorage:

Everyone is invited to a Potluck and Sing-A-Long, yes everyone! It is a gathering to celebrate the life of one of our own Susan Barnes. Susan enjoyed Sing-A-Longs and Potlucks - so it is in her memory that we gather and in her spirit of building community - we invite everyone. Out North Theater has graciously offered us the use of their space on Sat, Sept 2, 2006 at 6 pm. Come join us. Bring a dish to share, an instrument and song book if you have them. We will try to have as many of the song books from “back in the day.” Most importantly, bring your hearts open to singing and building community. Contact Lynne at 563-0757 for more information. ... RIP sister-friend.

Hosanna adds:

Had she only been able to receive this love that is so expressed nationally on this site! I am humbled, and it is our privilege to pay tribute to her. I am not a writer. After her Celebration of Life, I will ask someone to assist me in putting down the history of these last 3 weeks.

I loved reading oysters, chocolate, and martini's! This, after we had them on the menu for Saturday. Xena and friends, pictures etc. will be there too!

[wish I could send my six-foot cardboard Xena standee... cb]

You all will be there with us and we will toast you, with Susan, at 7:00. Alaska time. We have her here and will take her to Homer before the snow flies, along with Junebug and Maggie.

We remain grateful and thank you for all of your many supports. 

Namaste, Hosanna

For those "Outside," as they say in Alaska, 7 pm Alaska time is 11 pm Eastern Time. You should be able to figure it out from there.

And just to bump it up to the top of the site, here's all the music that's been posted here, including the famous Xena funeral song, performed by Lucy Lawless.

Download Lucy Lawless singing the Xena funeral song she wrote for the show.

Download MP3 of Jennifer Nettles, "A Place for You."

Download 17_funeral_dance.mp3

Download 07_gabby_dance.mp3 

A small, private San Francisco memorial service takes place today

[Susan in her beloved Alaska. It's another great shot from Hadas, from that 1990 trip north.]

Elisabeth Wilson, the interim director for Family and Community Medicine at San Francisco General Hospital, has informed me that Susan's former colleagues are holding a Memorial for Susan Barnes today in the Comfort Garden there.

The garden is a small space, so they couldn't open the informal event to the general public (if the response to this web site is any indication, there could have been an overflow crowd).

But I thought y'all would like to know that the event was being held today, and that Susan's medical colleagues were remembering her and celebrating her life.

Chris

Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss writes an open letter to Susan

[Hadas sent this great "Alaska or Bust!" shot from 1990, when she went with Susan on a trip to Alaska with a WAY overloaded trailer that later broke off the hitch. cb]

 

Hey Susan.

I bet you’re checking this website.  I apologize for the grief I caused you and totally forgive you for any grief you caused me.

I’m sorry for all the pain doled out to you and endured by you both in your childhood and adulthood. I wish people didn’t fear and hate the fact that you were gay and butch.  I’m so sorry so many were so awful about your size.  I’m most sorry for the self-loathing you embodied as a direct result of the meanness heaped on you.  I wish more people would have known the extent of pain you were in.  I regret that I and others who might have known how much pain you were in were unable to help you break down enough of what plagued you. 

It saddens me how much physical and emotional pain you were in before and after your weight-loss surgery.  I wonder what if you weren’t emotionally isolated.  I’m truly sorry that you couldn’t see a way out of your pain and that your pain surpassed your pleasure in life.

I respect your right to end your misery while I mourn the loss of your actual and potential gifts to the world.  You were f-ing smart, perceptive, funny, compassionate, strong, competent, responsible, and generous. 

Thank you for everything positive you sent my way, for your politics, and for shaping who I am today.

Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss

 

[Hadas also sent some pictures of Susan from 1989, the earliest I think I've gotten.

This one at left is from a camping trip she was on with Susan, and she notes that Susan still had her tattoos in this shot. She'd later had them removed when she went to med school.

Aren't you curious about the underwear in the bushes back there? I am.

The shot below is from San Francisco Gay Pride 1989, an event Hadas says Susan hated to miss.

This particular picture is significant because she's wearing the "famous" (or infamous?) sunglasses.  cb]

From the Guestbook: Dawn Thompson regrets only knowing the cyber-Susan

[One of Susan's shots looking out on the port at Haines, Alaska, where she wrote to many of us online, sometimes from an apartment, sometimes from her small trailer. cb]

I am kicking myself now. I had the opportunity to meet Susan when she lived in San Francisco, but our schedules just never seemed to mesh. You always think there will be a later.

We shared many stories of our boxers, and the silliness that accompanies having these wonderful creatures in our lives. We commiserated about rescue, and attempting to be foster homes. Her experience was unsuccessful, and she had to give up fostering, ours was unsuccessful in that our foster came to stay for good.

Such a giving and loving person. I cannot even begin to express how big her heart was. I loved reading her posts about Alaska. It is someplace I have always wanted to go, and my husband and I have been planning a visit in the next year or two, and Susan offered to let us stay with her while we were up there. I was very much looking forward to it.

I read with great interest her post about finding a dog nanny...and spoke to her about it. How I wish an opportunity like that had come my way when I was younger. I would have dropped everything and high tailed it to Alaska.

I didnt know about her love for the Xena show, and the fandom that surrounded it. I wish I had. I myself am not a huge fan of it, but many of my friends are, and I would love to have introduced her to them.

Susan..... I never had the privilege of meeting you in person.... but you have made such an impact in my life. I feel such sorrow that you have gone. That I will never get to read of your wonderful adventures... that I have lost someone in my life that cared so much, and gave their friendship completely and totaly, with no holding back, and no strings attached. That is such a rare thing.

I feel that I have failed in friendship to you.... I should have written more. I should have asked more questions. I should have listened better. I miss you, my friend.

Dawn Thompson

Vancouver Photo from Nola: Chocolate Festival!

Nola (enjay) sent this great shot of a little Chocolate Festival a group of Xena fans had in Vancouver. She says everyone brought chocolates from their favorite chocolatier and they had a tasting. That's Wishes, Tam, Susan, jill, Minda, Demeter, and Cathy!

More from Nola:

"Three attendees were not local, so there was a great range of products to taste. Susan brought the most elite chocolate samples, the Scharffen Berger, including the 82% cacao Extra Dark. Take a nibble of that and you knew you'd had chocolate. I still remember the seriousness with which she approached the subject of Good Chocolate, and her joy in our little Festival celebrating it."

Chris

From the Guestbook: Minda Armstrong on how Susan could make a party

Remembering Susan.

I have to say, I am stunned by Susan's death. I met her, like so many of us, thanks to the Xenaverse. It was about 10 years ago when she first came to my home to participate in a crazy, pre-San Francisco convention, Xena party. Susan loved the parties.

She always brought something to share and helped in every way possible. I was amazed at her special home-baked “chakram” cookies. How did she ever find the time to make them with her busy schedule? I’ll always remember Susan bringing her infamous Gabrielle-esque "ugly green sports bra Game" to the parties to add to the amusement of all of us. How did she ever convince us to play it? That was Susan, with her charming smile.

I think back to our trip to Vancouver and the Canadian Rockies. Cathy has added Susan's picture wearing "Ed the Sock" t-shirt to this site.

Well, that occasion was a complete surprise in our vacation plans, to suddenly be in the middle of the Vancouver Gay Pride Parade. Susan was always game for an adventure.

Tam drove the sponsor car, Susan & Cathy and I walked behind, handing out bottles of water along the route, with everyone begging Susan to give them her Ed the Sock t-shirt. She almost gave in… the shirt off her back. That was Susan. And later that day, several of us joined Susan in several helpings of the local "summer ice" oysters at Granville Island. (She did love her oysters.) At that point, the “summer ice” oyster was her sweet favorite.

I remember Susan’s excitement getting onto a horse at Lake Louise, in the Canadian Rockies. (And her equal excitement to get off!) She was so proud that she could do new things like that after her surgery.

And of new things, I’m reminded of a wonderful dinner the three of us had in Jasper. Susan loved new experiences and she had never tasted 'grappa' before. We were all stuffed after the big meal and I told Susan that she had to try it, just once ("once in a lifetime") because it's also supposed to be a great digestive. She was skeptical, but so curious she couldn’t pass it up. So we ordered a glass and the three of us shared. I can still remember the face Susan made when she tasted it. "It really DOES taste like turpentine!" And she scrunched up her face, then laughed, and after another sip she coughed, "you get kind of used to it." We all laughed. Then, she thanked me for bringing her a new “first experience", dubious as it was. I felt honored.

[Hadas (Helen) Rivera-Weiss sent this great shot of Susan at the Portage Glacier from 1990. BTW, the ice at this glacier has receded so much, you have to hike about a mile or more back to get to it now, in 2006. When I was 5, most of this entire lake was all ice. cb]

Mostly, I remember how in awe she was climbing a glacier and how she wanted to stop for every wild animal and lake sighted from the road, just to observe and marvel at the simple beauty of it all. On one such stop, in the middle of the road, I laughed from the back seat of our car as Cathy and I watched her wrestle with a herd of wild goats, long tamed by other tourists, as they poked their heads in her window, drooling and nudging her, grappling for the bag of treats in her hand. She was absolutely out of control with the giggles and faux-indignation, trying to push the noses back.

This was the part of life that Susan was in love with. This is how I will remember her…always.

You’re in our hearts, Susan.

Minda Armstrong

From the Guestbook: Martha Radetsky remembers swinging and singing bad '70s songs

I've known Susan since we were in our early/mid twenties.... a thousand or so years ago. I just heard this morning that she is gone. It is difficult news. My friendship with Susan has often been a rocky road and we were in the middle (or so I thought) of a rather rocky stretch. I loved her and I know she knew that, but she also knew I was angry at her, and I'm feeling bad about that. I hold on to stupid, petty things for too long, and before you know it it's too late to say I'm sorry.

Well Susan, I am sorry. Sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. And I'm angry that you couldn't find a way to let me know. I thought things were better in Haines.

In our youth, Susan and I would go up to the swings at Alamo Square Park late at night and sing really bad 70's songs (imagine "Billy Don't Be a Hero" at the top of our lungs) while swinging madly. It was fun. I mean REALLY FUN!

I first knew Susan in San Francisco and later visited her in LA (UCLA for her MPH),in The Bronx (med school), and finally last summer in Alaska. It was a strained visit as Susan was working a swing shift and trying to entertain me and she wasn't getting much sleep... but we managed to have fun anyway. She took me whale watching and caving and I got to ride in a float plane.

I am not a dog person, never have been, but I've know Shubert since the first day Susan met her and they were so good together. She loved her other dogs too, of course, but they were really initially there to be company for Shubert. It was so much fun to watch Susan with her girls. So much love. I'm so glad they have found a loving home.

Has anybody told Claudine? A friend from med school? And Claud, if you read this call me. You can google for my number.

Martha Radetsky

From the Guestbook: Suzun Brackenbury looks back on 27 years knowing Susan

I have known Susan for more than half of my life; 27 years we considered each other family.

She was my first love at the age of 25. She has been a true friend through out the last 27 years of my life. As friends sometimes do there have been times when we hadn't seen or heard from each other for months but when we did reconnect it was as if no time at all had passed.

Before she moved to AK, for the third or fourth time I can't remember, she threw a fabulous going away party ; she went all out for her friends/ family. That woman knew how to throw a wonderful party! I was happy to stay and help with the garage sale and subsequent packing up for the trip the following day.

That day in March Susan, Johann and the galz were to make the journey to Vancouver and ultimately AK. With promises to call, write and visit she was gone. It was the last time I saw that million dollar smile and those wonderful "Galz"... March 2005.

She reached AK; there were emails and a few phone calls with talk of my visiting in the summer 2006. It had been a couple of months since we last spoke but through emails we had planned a visit to her this summer in her beloved Alaska. I was to finally get to see why she love that particular place on the planet. Though through emails with digial photos it was easy to see the Alaska lure.

Unfortunately my health kept me from making the trip and I figured there would always be the fall or next summer; not so! I figured my friends will always be a phone call, email or a visit away. Susan's passing wakes me to our mortality as humans and to connect with those I most love. I deeply regret not giving her a call when I thought of her which was almost daily.

Reminders of Susan occur in my life daily; seeing Boxers romping in the dog park, listening to music, watching independent films especially Eraserhead and other quirky films; for instance just the other day I saw A Scanner Darkly I thought: "Oh I gotta tell Susan to go see this one or rent it when it comes out on video." I did not make that call thinking: "there's always tomorrow." With this knowledge I have made those calls to friends and family in the days since hearing of her taking her own life. Making sure those dear to me know exactly that!

I knew she had been depressed about many things in her life yet was extremely happy to have found "the most beautiful place on earth" to live and with her beloved "galz" and her "great job as the medical director in Haines". I had hoped those things that were going right and the galz she held most precious would sustain her through her physical, emotional and financial pain. Tragically I was wrong.

A deep thank you to Dianne Nelson for taking in the galz Cricket, Bailey and Shubert at Susan's request. Let it be known if anyone wishes to make a donation in Susan's send it to the care of her "galz" via Diane Nelson (see the post from Leah for the address). There is a memorial being planned at UCSF (where Susan worked before this last move to AK ) as I write this post. Will post the particulars when I know more.

Great appreciation and healing energy going out to Hosanna and Katt for speaking with her parents asking them to allow her friends / chosen family see to her remains and personal effects. It means so much to me knowing that "they" are not in charge. My deep gratitude to you two Hosanna and Katt for doing what must be one of the hardest things you have done. I have had that responsiblity more than once and know it is a tremendouly difficult task. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring and being there for Susan. She had spoken of you often to me in her emails and phone calls. So many friends of Susan's I had yet to meet but feel we all share the bond of knowing such a brilliant, warm, generous, thoughtful, intellegent, bright, funny and loving friend/warrior Susan Barnes.

She was an expert wordsmith whom could paint glorious pictures of her beloved Alaska. I am saddened I will never again get an email update on the Alaskan adventures she and the "galz" would have taken with full travel log including photos.

Perhaps I will make a trek to Alaska someday to see the galz and the beauty of Haines if my health permits; pay homage to my friend/family of choice, Susan, aka Alaska.

M'dear Susan, go with dogspeed to join Maggie, be surrounded by boxers kisses and much love. Go now and run with the dogs, romp and play where there is ony lightness and energy.

Dogspeed to you m'dear you are missed more than is possible to express. In my heart you are always there .... my friend my family.

Suzun Brackenbury

From the Guestbook: alwayslooking on Susan's personal battles

When I think of Susan, I remember the battle between what she wanted to be doing and the burdens she carried in doing it, both financial and personal.

Then I look at that great picture of her with her dogs in the snow, and remember the glee with which she talked about that particular moment, and figure this is a portrait of the loving and caring person behind all the pressures.

I never had an opportunity to meet Susan, though I dreamed of getting to Alaska. She'd have made a great destination. I admired her work in small places which desperately needed her help, and her willingness to search for the right post, even if it meant making tough decisions. No decision must have been tougher than this one, though. I hope she has found peace.

alwayslooking/Frances

From the Guestbook: Terri Latta-Soja on how the Boxer Mailing List reacts to Susan's death

I spent a lot of time thinking of Susan this week. I knew her from the Boxer Mailing List and even though we never met in person, her emails often touched me or made me laugh.

After her death, the list opened up to discussions of many things "non" Boxer, as people talked about depression or their surgery problems or being gay.

I don't think Susan ever realized the impact she had on people and even in death she got people to talk about things that they normally keep to themselves.

Godspeed Susan, we'll miss you!

Terri Latta-Soja

From the Guestbook: Shelley Saunders thinking of Susan at the time of her memorial service

I knew Susan only via the Boxer list on the internet, yet felt as if she was my friend. I wrote her individually just because her warmth and intelligence were so obvious through her messages, and I wanted to start a dialogue with her. And we wrote often, sharing thoughts and just chatting about our dogs. I found her to be, in a word, genuine. For me, that's a quality hard to find these days. She had a profound love of people and of her dogs. I didn't know her family circumstances, and she never spoke of her family.

But at a time in my life when I felt terribly alone and really depressed, Susan was there. From thousands of miles away, she wrote me from her heart, and while she may not have fully known the effect they had, her words and her kindness saw me through.

I was away from my home, caring for a relative who was dying, and caring for my mother, age 89, who was beginning to show signs of cognitive impairment. Susan's emails made me feel as if she was there beside me, seeing me through it all. She didn't simply say, I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do, but she detailed her own thoughts in a way that slipped into my consciousness as pure kindness and caring. We connected. Her words gave me great comfort, especially when I found myself having to join with others to finally make a decision to withdraw life support from my uncle. I so wish that I had known of her turmoil and pain; I would have tried to help.

In my experience, when a calming presence was all that was needed, Susan was there.

At those times when the unexplainable needed to be explained, Susan was there.

When a gentle touch, a firm push, or an encouraging word was needed, Susan was there.

To witness humanity, its beauty, in good times and in bad, Susan was there.

To embrace the woes of the world, willingly, and offer hope, Susan was there.

And now that it is time to be beside her maker, Susan is there!

At 6 pm EDT yesterday, just as Haines honored her with a memorial, I lit a candle and offered prayer for my friend, her galz, and Dianne Nelson, Susan's angel who is caring for the galz. While I do not know anything of Susan's religious beliefs, I thought of a little-known hymn which I felt was appropriate. I hope you don't mind me sharing it here:

O Love, that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light, that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy, that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross, that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

I honor her goodness and treasure my memories in my heart. Godspeed and God bless you Susan.

Shelley Saunders

From the Guestbook: Scrivo remembers Xena Night at Meow Mix

i've been thinking a lot about susan all week.

she was the first xena fan i ever met in person and meeting her eventually led me to meet so many more friends, people who have been extremely important in my life. i owe it all to susan.

i met her at the first xena night i ever went to at meow mix in nyc. she eventually sponsored me to a super dooper secret listserv for xena fans. even though i have met many more people because of having met susan, i have yet to meet a kinder, more giving one.

i haven't seen susan in years but that hasn't changed her ability to touch my heart or our ability to connect when the need was there.

i will miss her. i do miss her.

linda fiorella (aka Scrivo)

From the Guestbook: Debbie Cauble on making each day count

The ripples of Susan's life continue to wash over us. How fully she loved life and loved her beautiful Alaska. How passionately and selflessly she cared for other people and other living beings, including her beloved boxers. How spiritedly she embraced adventure and change and fun. How much she had to bear, and how little some of us knew about that.

In the days since Susan left us people have reached out to others in many ways. In life and beyond life, she had so much more impact than she ever knew. I'll never forget this wonderful complex woman that I never quite got up to see when she lived in San Francisco. Like Terry I never thought there wouldn't be a later.

In Susan's honor and memory, I'm going to try to not let life pass me by, and work on being more attuned to what others may be suffering.

Nola's comment really struck me - that Susan's passion for life never changed, even as she chose to end her own.

My heart goes out to all of Susan's wide circle of friends, and especially those closest to her.

Debbie Cauble   

From the Guestbook: Terry Holthus on Susan bringing pancakes in Sand Point

[one of Susan's photos of Sand Point, Alaska]

Susan,

I wasn't blessed with your companionship for very long, but you made a very positive, life long, impact on my daughters, boxers & myself. You were always so positive, with a loving, open, helping heart. When I first met you, it seemed like we had known each other before. It was so easy to talk to you about such a variety of subjects.

When the girls were sick, you made lots of house calls, & I never even had to ask you to. The first time you made your pancakes, with all of that fresh fruit, for breakfast...well, the girls wanted to go to your house for breakfast every day. No matter how often I found my daughters at your house, talking with you & playing with your girls, you were always happy they had made thier way over, & disappointed when I had to take them back home.

When I needed a boxer fix, Cricket, Shubert, Bailey & you were always more than will to help out. I remember finally getting my boxer pups coming, but couldn't find a way to get them here from Anchorage. You helped all you could. In the end you ended up being in Anchorage & being more help than I had ever imagined.

My two new babies came in nasty crates, after their 6 hour flight. You weren't bothered at all. We loaded them into your truck, & went back to the hotel to clean it all up for the next flight. They looked & smelled beautiful for their arrival into my daughters' hands. I was sure to tell the girls how much cleaning you had to help me with, as well as cuddling the new pups, just to get them ready.

I can only hope Cricket, Shubert & Bailey are in a good, loving home, & still together. I know they are mourning thier mother/friend & wondering where you are. You were/are thier life, as they were yours. I wish I wouldn't have put off answering your emails. I thought my life was to busy to reply & I would get to it later. Guess I never thought there wasn't going to be a later. I hope you are happy & at peace.

We will miss you dearly Susan! Thank you for opening this page. It has been nice being able to see how much she was loved & will be missed by many.

Terry Holthus from Sand Point

From the Guestbook: Christine Hamric remembers how xalaska's personality came through right off the screen

"xalaska" ...

You know, I always moved a little closer to my screen and prepared myself for another enthralling story whenever I saw that name identifying the sender on our "Boxer List" group. I knew another story about Susan Barnes was at hand. I could count on that. A great story. A few moments of pleasant escape into a true-life adventure.

At those times I'd ponder: Who IS this person, "xalaska" aka Susan Barnes? She seemed to me to be a vulnerable young girl on her own in life with her dogs to protect, who shared some of her joys and challenges in San Francisco who eventually undertook a journey toward a new life in Alaska.

She was doing this alone, and we could relate to her occasional trepidations of the task ahead. Well, of course, she made it. She settled in and reported back to the group the many milestones of her new life.

Sure, I was interested in her because of the dogs our group had in common -- heaven knows how much she loved those Boxers, and we all related to that. But I found her especially magnetic because of her somewhat bigger than life stories and the way she told them.

It wasn't until a couple of days ago, after the news of her passing, that I became aware of the details of her life. My relationship with Susan was quite simple. She blessed me with occasional stories which she posted to our Boxer group. I am shocked and deeply saddened by the news of her passing, and am now thankful to have some closure through reading what others are sharing about this lovely person.

She was an active contributor to our Boxer newsgroup. I'm going to miss that. God speed, xalaska. Thank you for the adventures. Run now with Maggie and Junebug.

Christine Hamric
San Diego, CA
www.boxerfancy.com

From the Guestbook: Cathy's great shot of Susan as "Ed the Sock"

[Cathy says this photo was taken during a parade in Vancouver, British Columbia. cb]

I knew Susan from the grand days of Xena fandom, and did some travelling with her to the Canadian Rockies and she visited me here in Florida for a few days.

One of my favorite vacations was the trip she went on with me and Minda from Calgary to Jasper in the Rockies. The scenery was spectacular. It was quite an adventure. Susan had a great smile and a wonderful sense of humor.

The many friends she made from Xena and her Boxer dog organizations meant alot to her.

She would be blown away by all these tributes, and I'm sure she never realized her much she was loved by all of you.

Maybe we can learn something by this. Reach out, call that friend you have been neglecting. Send an e-mail or call. Plan a get-together.

I have a trip to Vancouver planned soon to visit with Tam, Minda and Demeter. We will toast Susan's life over a glass of wine and remember the fun times we all had together. She would really like that.

Cathy

From the Guestbook: jill (pericat) remembers Susan and oysters

I can't think of oysters without thinking of Susan.

I can't think of oysters, see them on a menu, in an ice-filled bin in the store, or see their shells washed up on the shore, without thinking of how Susan smiled and laughed and joked as she dug into a platter of oysters, oysters, oysters, six different kinds, prepped in ten different ways.

Raw, smoked, sauteed... for all I know, grilled and skewered and boiled and mashed.

A bright blue martini in her hand, delight in her eyes and joy radiating out. And oysters. She did so love them.

I miss you, Susan.

jill (pericat)

From the Guestbook: kyotey loved Alaska's stories

Alaska, we hardly knew you.

She was so brave and wild and simply unbelievable for moving, all alone except for the galz, to those amazingly remote places in Alaska.

I was envious of her ability to just cut loose and go, doing what she wanted to do, where she wanted to, and I told her that. She responded that anyone could do what she did, it was just another one of life's choices, nothing brave about it at all. She was so wrong about that; she was an amazingly brave woman.

Susan’s stories about her life were fun, and fascinating, and beautiful, and sometimes sad enough to make you cry at your keyboard.

She would write about having a part in rescuing an injured eagle, eating wild berries on the side of the road, the incredible beauty of an Alaskan sky, the joy of watching her Boxer galz run on a beach. She would also write about alcoholism and poverty and spousal abuse, the effect of a dead baby on an entire community, the necessity for some doctors to do things that others would refuse. Susan, you were so brave.

We met on an XWP list of course, then met in person at an XWP gathering in California, and later wound up on another list together. We talked about politics, the doggies, work, my kids, my problems, and, occasionally, the gray in her head, her feelings of isolation, and her hopes for a better future. She wrote that the internet would literally be her lifeline. I’d write a quip or a paragraph or two, and Susan would write back a page or three. She was always colorful and engaging, and could make you feel, for a short time, how it was to live in Alaska.

I wish I had saved all of her emails, that she had known what she meant to me and others, that her life had been a little better. I hope that she knows, somehow, that we are thinking about her and that her doggies are being taken care of, and that that makes her happy.

Erin (kyotey)

From the Guestbook: Susan's visit with mro and Liz

Sometimes you meet and correspond with someone online and really like them and then you meet them in real life and they're not really the person that you clicked with online.  Susan does NOT fall into this category.  We'd talked online about dogs and other random stuff for years and then Liz and I had the chance to meet up with her when she was visiting Baltimore this February for a
conference.

  I told her what car we'd be driving and that she'd recognize it when she saw it.  When we pulled up to the hotel, she saw the car, stood up, and gave us this 100-watt smile.  We went out to Fells Point and wandered around some of the stores, including a pet store where she got a couple of dog jackets for her boxers.

Since she was on an expense account for meals, she wanted to go to a posh restaurant, but we checked out some menus and ended up going to this nice and comfortable place (not posh) that had
seafood.

Susan ordered oysters and talked me into trying a couple.  She really knew her oysters.  I've never delved into oysters before, preferring the known quantity of non-mollusk foods, but I think
I might venture into that arena in the future in honor of her.

She talked about all the various varieties of oysters with incredible knowledge.  I had no idea that some varieties were sweeter than others, that some were saltier, etc.

We had a great evening -- one of those that you don't want to actually end, but finally we had to take her back to her hotel.  A few months after that, I saw some tapes of Prime Suspect, remembered that her viewing options were limited, and got them, meaning to send them to her.  Those tapes are still sitting on a shelf here.  And I regret every second that I didn't send them to her -- not because it would have made a difference in her final choice, but because it might have made a difference to her quality of life.  It's just another reminder that we need to be more active about doing the things that we mean to do.

In May, Susan, ever the dog lover, offered  to sponsor us for a walk to benefit the local humane society, but her life got in the way so I sent her an email telling her not to worry and that if she'd not
sent the check to not to send it.  She replied to me on July 1st, asking if she could still send a donation for our efforts.  I started a new job in June and totally missed her email until this past Monday night.  I sent her a message telling her not to worry about it -- that I'd hit her up next year. 

The next day I heard the news. 

Dogspeed Susan. I hope that you are now in a better place where you aren't in pain and boxers romp in the sun with you.  I wish that I had truly known how much pain you were in in case there was some small chance that I could have helped with any of it.  I'm a better person for having
known you. 

And I thank you for that.

mro

 

Thinking about Susan's Memorial Service today in Haines...

I've been quiet on here today, mostly because I got a bit overtired, and because I know today is the day of Susan's memorial service up in Haines, Alaska, which should be about now, Alaska time.

I'll put up some more guestbook entries later tonight. Right now I'm feeling more quiet and thoughtful. Feeling a stillness around me, not wanting much movement.

Some of us had talked about having a chat-VR-based memorial service at the same time as the Alaska one, but I was just too drained to try to organize it and work on this site at the same time. I know those of us who can't be there are probably feeling quiet today too.

And I'm hoping that people who were at the service (and the later one to be organized in Anchorage) will post some thoughts about what it was like, in the guestbook, for those of us who can't be there.

I tried looking for a poem to post today, but I didn't have much luck finding one, and that's not like me. Maybe someone else has a poem or thoughts like that in mind and will share them.

But for now, some music is all I will post. Many of you will recognize it, and the voice of Lucy Lawless.

Chris

Download 05_burial.mp3

From the Guestbook: How Alaska became bjStranger's first friend at the NYC Xenafest

I'll always remember Susan the way she looked when I first met her outside NBC studios in New York City one frosty cold Friday morning in March 1997. There were a bunch of Xena fans there dressed in costumes and/or waving Xena signs. When I arrived I was on the wrong side of the crowd and she came over and got me.

  "Hi, are you bjStranger?  I'm Alaska."
  "Yes, hi!  How'd you know it's me?"
  "Your sign says ROCanuck on it!"

[Mist & Alaska that very day. Photo graciously provided by bj.]

It was the New York Xenafest and showing up at The Today Show was all part of the festivities. After having read her witty online posts to `Xenaverse’ it was exciting to meet Susan in person. The sign she was carrying said, “NYC XENA FEST” and mine, “Gabrielle & Xena Forever.” She introduced me to Mist, Bonnie, Brooke and some other New Yorkers. Everyone had a ball that morning and we made it on TV for all of about ten seconds.

Later that day Susan showed up at a party in the hotel room I was staying in. There were a bunch of women there from one of the online Xena mailing lists we belonged to. I got to know Susan a little bit better. She was sweet and unassuming. She was itching to finish med school and get out of NYC--to eventually start doctoring up in Alaska, the state that she’d fallen in love with. She told me a little about her life—leaving home when she was a teenager and putting herself through school. I marveled at her perseverance--that she was going to graduate as a doctor despite all. I told her about some of the trials and tribulations of my good friend Jane, a doctor who’s cared for the Innu population in a remote community in northern Labrador since 1986.

Later that same year I saw Susan briefly in Valley Forge, PA at the 1997 Xena Convention. She told me summer in NYC had been a hot sweaty experience. We traded stories on how heat gets down into subway systems, whether in NYC or Toronto. We hoped to cross paths again at the next Xena Con. in San Francisco but never did.

In fact we never met face to face again but in the years to come we kept running into one another on the same online mailing lists. Whatever the topic, Susan’s posts were always well written—at times serious, at times riotous and irreverent.

Of the many things I admired about Susan, her courage and determination stand out the most. She had a heart of gold, a wry sense of humour and a spirit of adventure. After 9/11, and when the war in Iraq commenced she wrote many a passionate post about politics.

After she adopted Shubert and the rest of her Boxer fur-kids I enjoyed reading about their adventures and escapades together. Like the time they met the moose on one of their walks, and the time the girls ran into trouble with the porcupine.

I'm so sorry that Susan is gone now. I'll miss reading her email posts about being a doctor in Alaska and about life with her girls. She had a short life but that life was FULL to the brim. Rest in peace Susan. I'm really glad I met you.

bjStranger

From the Guestbook: Christina Ghimenti watched Susan bonding with Boxers

Susan, I admired you. I admired your heart for your elderly Boxers. I admired your spirit for taking charge. I admired you for being such a level headed mature woman whom had an visible humility. I wish you had not left us and the girlz.

I wish you could have felt comfortable opening up and asking for help. There are so many of us whom you touched in a profound way. You were such an inspiration to so many. We love you in life as we love you in death.

Susan came to my house 2 years ago when I had a litter of 5 week old Boxer puppies. She was living in San Francisco and the time. We had known each other online for a few years. I was posting photos of the puppies on an email list and she told me she had never had the pleasure of a puppy Boxer, let alone seeing such young ones.

Already of course believing she was one of the greatest Boxer souls I knew, I invited her over to spend an afternoon with the puppies. Susan was delighted. I let her visit with my older Boxers first; Crystal, Booker T and Penny. Then I brought the puppies out into the living room to romp. Susan lit up!! She loved it! She sat down and seemed almost afraid to move lest the pups would disappear in a puff of smoke. I encouraged her to play with them and let them investigate her. Her happiness was shining. I felt so good to have shared something very precious to me with someone who cleared understood it.

Once the pups all dropped off to sleep, we had her girlz lose in the house and yard. She had just 2 at that time. They were so well behaved. They seemed to know Susan was their mom and they clearly adored her. She emailed me later that week and again thanked me for having her over. Knowing she was soon moving back to Alaska, I was thrilled I had finally been able to touch base with someone I had "known" for several years. Now I treasure that afternoon all over again.

Susan, know that you are loved!!

Christina Ghimenti

[pup is one of Christina's Champions, Booker T, that I lifted off her site... cb]

From the Guestbook: Nola (enjay) on Susan's passion for life

I knew Susan through Xena and other mailing lists, but I also had the good fortune to meet her several times in real life, and it was always a great treat.

When I think of Susan, I think of passion. Not the passion of fleeting drama and excitement, but the passion of a deep, lasting involvement with and love for life.

It was what gave her a desire to help others. It was what made her so interested in and concerned about the lives of her friends. It was what gave her the commitment to her work. It was what made her take on her boxer galz.

It was what made her take chances most of us would have run from. It was what made her care so much, about everything.

I don't believe for a moment that this great passion for life in all its beautiful variety ever changed, even as she chose to leave it.

Susan, It was a joy and a privilege to have known you. I wish I'd had a chance to tell you so.

Nola (enjay)

Obituary: The Chilkat Valley News, Haines Alaska

Link: The Chilkat Valley News, Haines Alaska.

Clinic mourns death of medical director Barnes

By Bonnie Hedrick

The Haines medical center was closed Monday as regional SEARHC staff counseled local employees following the unexpected death of medical director Dr. Susan Barnes.

Barnes, a nine-month resident of Haines, was found unconscious in her trailer home Saturday morning by her dogwalker. Despite resuscitation efforts, she was not able to be revived.

The state’s chief medical examiner said Tuesday the 46-year-old physician’s death looked to be the result of an overdose of drugs. "It appears she took her own life."

The preliminary autopsy findings must be substantiated by detailed testing which will take about a week to analyze, said medical examiner Franc Fallico. "That’s our working diagnosis, but we have to wait for the toxicology results."

Haines police chief Greg Goodman wouldn’t comment except to say, "There doesn’t appear to be any suspicious circumstances... There’s no indication of foul play."

Some local ministers broke the news of the apparent suicide to their congregations Sunday and counselors were put on alert that a greater call for services might be needed.

The same day, top officials of the Southeast Alaska Regional Health Consortium traveled from Sitka to support Haines clinic staff and provide a "stress debriefing" following the tragic loss, said Mark Gorman, vice-president for SEARHC Community Health Services.

"It was very traumatic for the staff on many levels, both personally and professionally," he said. "There is a sense of confusion, a sense of grief at the clinic. There’s a whole range of emotions expressed, but an overall sense of sorrow and sadness."

"The consequences of this will be felt for awhile and we’ll be attentive to that. We also know this extends out into the community," Gorman said.

From the Guestbook: Inga on how Susan realized her dreams and lived her ideals

I shall always remember Susan as a brave and brilliant person who committed herself one hundred percent to her life. Susan didn't just have dreams - she made them happen in an inspiring way. But these dreams weren't selfish ones: her compassion extended to all in need, and she equipped herself to help others in practical ways.

I corresponded with her for years over the internet and will very much miss her emails. I wish I could have met her in real life and experienced her beloved Alaska first hand. The world is a poorer place today for the loss of her intelligence, skill, kindness and generosity.

Inga

From the Guestbook: DJWP on good times with Alaska, and "Amazons, Dance!"

Download 07_gabby_dance.mp3

Alaska loved a party. And we used any opportunity as an excuse to get together for a Xena-related event. Alaska was on my standard "invitee" list and was a fixture at many of them, especially once I had moved north to San Francisco.

Alaska, Maria and I chatted over martinis more than once about life and love and, as was usually the case, the conversation somehow always found its way back to Xena.

Of the many Xenaverse friends who had wandered into our lives during those years, Alaska was always one of our favorites. She was warm and fun. I remember her skill as a doctor came into good use at one party ... someone had wandered (should I say staggered?) around to the side of our house and tripped over some chicken wire, gashing her knee and leg.

Alaska was right there with care and first aid and even gave up her cane for the week-end. In fact, I had it for some time before finally returning it to her.

One of the last times I saw Alaska, she was sitting on the bed in my room watching that last episode of Xena. We were showing it in private screenings in the back bedroom behind closed doors for those who couldn't wait for the official broadcast. She was so quiet in there, I peeked in to see if she was all right and found her looking just as shell-shocked as everyone else I had checked on that day.

Maria and I really enjoyed Alaska.  She was kind and thoughtful, fun to be around and a pleasure to have in my home.

I was honored to have known her. I wish I had taken her up on one of her many offers and had visited her in Alaska. I wish I had kept in touch with her - I sadly admit that the years have gone by and just as Xena has faded from my life, so have I let many of the friends I had made during those wonderful years.

I am proud to have known a woman who changed her life, became a doctor (no small feat), moved to Alaska, rescued boxers ...

She definitely touched my life in a very special way, and I will remember her always.

Alaska ... I'm thinking of you.

DJWP

From the Guestbook: Kathy on how Susan was always ready for a get-together

I only knew Susan through cyberspace, a community of boxer lovers from all over the world.

She touched my heart with her generous soul and kind heart and I am sorry we never got the chance to meet when she was only 3 hours away on a conference. She had given us an itinerary of sorts to use when we eventually get out that way and graciously offered to have us stay with her.

I am sorry we will never get that chance to meet face to face. The world is truly a lesser place without Susan in it and she will be missed.

My condolences to all her friends and if Dianne reads this please give Shubert, Cricket and Bailey big smoochies and hugs from me. Bless your heart for taking them in.

Kathy

From the Guestbook: Betsy Book remembers Alaska goofing with a silly scowl in the Xena Palace

I first got to know Susan back in 1997, when she was living here in NYC and helped organize the first NYC Xenafest. She impressed me back then as a sweet and smart person with a great sense of humor.

Alaska then became a welcome part of the Xena Palace community in 1998 and was known for her "scowly" smiley, which I always thought was an ironic choice of avatar for such a sweet, good natured person.

She was fairly active on our listserv this summer, wishing people happy birthdays and helping others through their own difficult times. I wish we had only known what a difficult time she was going through herself.

Alaska was always so concerned and caring about other people.  I can only hope that she has found her own peace now.

Betsy Book

From the Guestbook: Ellwyn & Nancy find comfort in Xena and Gabrielle's final sunset

 

I found this quote online and thought it perfect on so many levels.

A large percentage of us were tied to Susan though the Xenaverse. And we all remember how the show ended, with Xena and Gabrielle sailing off into the sunset.

So having said that:

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" And that is dying.

- Anonymous

Smooth sailing Susan, aka Alaska,

Blessed Be
Holly [Ellwyn] and Nancy

Note from Hosanna

Katt and I are leaving for Haines shortly. It is a drive of over 850 miles one way. We will be there for her Memorial on Sunday afternoon. Thank you for all of your beautiful thoughts.

Susan's passing is a loss for all of humankind. Her story one of a true warrior. I can hear her voice on my phone recorder.... and that will soothe me until we get back.

I will write more later.

Namaste,

hosanna

Anchorage Daily News: Heather Lende: Around Alaska: Life in Small-Town Alaska

Link: adn.com | Heather Lende: Around Alaska : Newcomer's suicide ruffles social scene.

Newcomer's suicide ruffles social scene

HEATHER LENDE
AROUND ALASKA

Published: August 10, 2006

HAINES -- My friend Matt was supposed to be working at his desk at the Chilkat Valley News on Monday morning. Instead, he was writing his sister a letter about how real life sometimes grabs your heart more tightly than fiction, or something like that. He wrote it better.

Matt recently earned a master's degree in English literature. He lives in a cabin at Paradise Cove (it really is) and rides his bike to the newspaper office. I suspect that, like a lot of us, Matt has to pinch himself some mornings to be sure he's not dreaming when he stands in his yard and looks out at the inlet, mountains and Rainbow Glacier.

His letter was about the terrible oddness of his two pressing assignments, the apparent suicide of a doctor at the clinic and a notice about a weekend wedding in the social column.

Matt said the wedding of two friends was so perfect he got all choked up. Neither of us wanted to think of the doctor's death.

But when Matt asked if I knew "her," I knew who he meant. She hadn't lived here long. She had three, maybe four, boxer dogs. Matt recalled how she wanted them in the picture the paper ran when she moved here for the clinic job last winter, but since she was not a vet, the editor nixed the dogs. Later, she advertised for doggie day care in the paper's unclassified-ads page. That was a first for Haines, a dog sitter for when you went to work. But she was single, and if she was on call she might not be able to get away from an emergency to feed or walk them.

But we didn't say much more. It was too awful. Instead, I told Matt to watch it -- if he was getting all blurry-eyed at a potluck wedding, he was becoming like the rest of us, sappy and sentimental and so grateful to be in this place among such people.

I had that feeling Saturday too at a morning birthday party for my friend Nancy (48) and her mother, Darlene (75). It was at Nancy's sister Susan's new house. It was also before we knew about the doctor. The official announcement was made in all the churches Sunday morning. Word had trickled out late Saturday afternoon and evening, but no one wanted to repeat the rumor, in the hope that it wasn't true.

So we ate scrambled eggs with smoked salmon and laughed and clapped as Darlene and Nancy opened presents. The conversation segued seamlessly from our children to changes at the school and even thongs -- the sandals and the underwear. We drank coffee roasted at Mary Jean's cafe.

I was a little late, and Mary Jean arrived later than me. But our friends still greeted us with cheers, and the coffee clutch lasted from 10 a.m. until about 3 p.m. When we reluctantly parted (everyone really did have a lot to do), Darlene got teary and gave me a hug. She said she was so happy we all came. She moved to Haines to be near her daughters and grandchildren after her husband died. She misses him terribly, but I know we are a comfort, because she tells us so. I need to tell her that since losing my mother, I appreciate her presence even more.

I have not always been good about these kinds of gatherings. I used to be too busy. I couldn't just sit around and chitchat. But then I had an accident, and my friends rallied. Darlene kept us stocked with her locally famous banana bread. Nancy was the one who cared for me like a nurse, bravely learning to do the transfers from bed to wheelchair when I couldn't walk. They all said they liked having me as a captive audience. I couldn't do anything then but visit with them.

So I'm glad we didn't know yet about the doctor when we celebrated the birthdays. When it was announced in church Sunday morning, there were gasps and, in the back, someone began to cry. Everyone wondered what they could have or should have done to prevent it, how someone could be so alone among us.

But I really don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my friend Matt's sentimental reaction to a good wedding and the soft rain, lush gardens, sockeye and blueberries.

I should have invited the doctor for dinner. She wouldn't have had to get a dog sitter; her boxers would have been welcome at our house.

But it is too late. Instead, I'll have the ladies over for coffee sometime soon -- because I love them, and I want them to know it.

---

Heather Lende lives and writes in Haines and is the author of "If You Lived Here, I'd Know Your Name." She can be reached at hlende@adnmail.com.

The last friends to visit Susan share info on what happened

 

Leah and Tony just returned from a vacation in Alaska, and Susan also took some vacation time to travel around the state with them. They took several of the pictures on this site, generously sharing the photos and this background info about the circumstances surrounding Susan's death.

It is hard to know our friend was having such a hard time, but I am glad that Leah is willing to share this information, and she asked that I post it up here.

Also note in bold below, Leah's suggestion for another recipient for memorial donations.

Chris

As you all know by now, Dr. Susan Barnes died on Saturday August 5, 2006.  She took her own life, using an IV.  Since she was  a physician, it is reasonable to hope that it was swift and painless.. She did so in the confines of her trailer with her 3 dogs beside her.

Susan was in a great deal of pain. As some of you may know, Susan had gastric bypass surgery several years ago and since then has had major complications. She developed rickets (due to an inability to absorb Vitamin D, which helps us use Calcium) and therefore her bones were brittle and painful. Aside from the physical pain, Susan was very isolated in Haines, Alaska but chose to live there because of its incredible beauty.  She worked in a small clinic where she worked almost 7 days a week, often for 18 hours a day. She had very few close friends, but did have one really close friend with whom she had been on the phone with the night she died.

Susan also maintained no contact with her family. They did Christmas cards every couple of years and that’s about all. She told me that she didn’t know if her parents were dead or alive. They had disowned her for being gay, many years ago.

Susan was also terribly in debt. When she graduated medical school she was $300,000 in debt which grew into $800,000.

As you can imagine, she felt trapped and hopeless. We had discussed alternate career plans. If she had claimed bankruptcy she would lose her license to practice medicine.

For those of you who didn’t know her well. Susan had an incredible heart and was incredibly generous. Her biggest love was her 3 rescue boxers.  When we were there, we traveled with she and her dogs and I remember saying to my partner, “if it weren't for those dogs, I would be concerned that Susan would kill herself."

She was very sad and depressed but I am truly glad that she enjoyed the vacation we all had together.

Her dogs are safe and sound in a boarding place for dogs, run by a Dianne Nelson. Diane has assured me that the dogs will be well looked after. She told me that she had asked Susan for an emergency contact number just in case something ever happened while the dogs were in her care. Susan had mentioned that there.  Dianne said she would be happy to take them in an emergency if she needed. Susan spoke very highly about the way that this woman treated her dogs and that they had lots of space to run around. One of her dogs is fairly ill and needs regular medical treatment.

I have been in touch with some people from Alaska named Hosanna and Katt. Susan’s body is in a funeral home in Anchorage and the police have gotten in touch with Susan’s family. We are in the process of trying to contact the family to let us take care of her remains. Susan told me that Homer, Alaska was the most beautiful place on Earth. We would like to have her cremated and have her ashes scattered there. Her friends in Anchorage volunteered to help arrange this.

Many of you have asked whether you can donate some money to a charity in her name. We are requesting that if you wish to donate money, to do so to the woman who took the dogs and/or the women who arranging the cremation.

As there is no money in Susan’s estate all would be greatly appreciated. I will send this information out as soon as it is available.

Thank you all for your pouring out of attention. I wish Susan knew how much she was thought of.

Leah

 

A little Googling has turned up the address of the woman who is taking care of Susan's dogs, if you want to contact her:

Porcupine Pampered Pet Kennels
Dianne V. Nelson
33.4 Mile Haines Hwy.
HC 60 Box 3317
Haines, AK 99827
dvnelson@aptalaska.net

And if anyone is interested in donating to the women who are taking care of finalities with Susan's ashes (there was no money in her estate) here is the information:

Please make checks payable to:
Kathleen Pinette
P.O. Box 671725
Chugiak AK 99567

From the Guestbook: baermer on cooking shows and sharing a love of dogs

I count Susan as one of my close online buddies.

We often exchanged private emails and public stories of our dogs.

When she was in Sand Point – how ever did she end up there but by the deep graciousness of a woman born to help others – I taped cooking shows for her.

It was easy for me to leave a tape in, program the VCR to PBS, and visit the post office a couple of times a month. But Susan decided it was some sort of heroic feat and sent me a book on the Aurora Borealis and a lovely piece of fossilized coral to me in return.

This past Christmas, she sent my pooch two big bags of Wild Alaskan Salmon dog treats (and I must say that Percy [right] thought them quite delectable).

So that’s a sampling of my interactions with Susan. It does not, however, even begin to describe how I came to know her as a human.

Susan was warm and caring and thoughtful and kind. We who have pets understand her a little better when we think of how she rescued boxers – four of them over the recent years. Boxers are big dogs who take a lot of exercise; for a woman with very little free time to dedicate those precious hours to the welfare of her dogs tells you a lot about her.

At work and at home she devoted herself to making other lives better. She sacrificed time and time again to improve the condition of those around her. It often took her to places that weren’t good for her as “Nurse Nightmare” and the crazy vine lady proved. Still, she made choices based on what she thought she needed to do to make this world a better place: live in remote areas of Alaska delivering much needed healthcare for a fraction of what she could have made in San Francisco.

I almost made a trip up to Haines to visit this summer but postponed it to next year. We had talked about my spending a month or two there to work in quiet solitude while on sabbatical next fall.

I am going to miss her. The world needs more people like her.

Carolyn (baermer)

From the Guestbook: Kym Taborn on Dr. Susan Barnes

Susan assisted me through a vey tense time during a medical scare. She gave me support when I needed it and I will always be grateful to her for that.

We can make a significant impact on another's life without knowing it -- just by being ourselves. Death has a way of making us take a moment or two to ponder such things moreso than we would without tragedy.

I am lesser because now the potential for me to interact with Susan is gone. However, I was already better because of the interactions I had with Susan in the past. No one can take your memories away. They are with you forever. Therefore, Susan will still be with us as each one of us remembers her and our own unique relationships with her.

Kym Taborn

From the Guestbook: Chris Clogston on hanging out with the Amazons at Xenafests and Cons

My first encounter with "Alaska" was shortly after the first Hercules/Xena Convention in 1997.

She invited me to the first New York City XenaFest, picked me up at the airport, cheerfully provided transportation, and regaled me with funny stories.

We would ping each other occasionally and run into each other at Xena Conventions. I am deeply saddened by her passing, such a loss to HCNBs* everywhere.

Chris Clogston

[*HCNBs="Hardcore Nutballs," a term Lucy Lawless coined for her Xena fans]

From the Guestbook: Lunacy remembers "Alaska"

I have fond memories of "Alaska," particularly from the early years of XWP fandom.

Still have our e-mail exchanges from 1997-1998 when we would start talking about some fanfic story or the episodes or the PMSing on a XWP list.

I remember with amusement this one time she e-mailed me asking about a story with a specific scene but wanting to make sure I didn't think she had some strange obsession because she was mentioning the scene. I assured her that most of us who read the story liked it BECAUSE of that scene ;-)

Sometimes a list would be silent for months and then you'd get a post from Alaska saying "Hey - is this thing on - anyone still out there?" and it would spark a conversation where we would all reminiss and get in touch again.

Meeting Alaska and becoming her friend online was definitely among the best parts of the Xenaverse. I'm sorry she's gone but her humor and warmth will live on in those e-mail messages and postings in many of our hard drives - and in our hearts.

Lunacy (Maribel Piloto)

Why I built this site

In some ways, the life of Susan Barnes was not what it seemed.

People who lived near her often did not realize that she was so well-loved by so many friends around the world, people who met her in different contexts, in different groups, both online and off, but always felt and remembered the warmth of her personality, her spirit, her approach to life.

I first knew Susan Barnes as "Alaska," before she was a doctor, and before she ever moved to Alaska, a dream she held in her heart for a long time, a dream she got to live. It's so hard to believe I've known her for 10 years now and lived vicariously through her many adventures, some more harrowing than others.

Here's a recent picture she loved of her Alaska home:

I built this site after talking to others who have known her online, who are grieving at the loss, all around the world. We can't come to a funeral service, and Susan lived in Haines, Alaska, which is too remote to get to even if we could (although she always wanted us to come and visit on vacation!).

Looking at this picture, you can see why. Click on it to see a larger version, to better see the moose and swans in the background.

But if Susan lived as fully in the virtual world as in the physical, then maybe this can be a place where we can remember her in our own kind of memorial service in cyberspace, a place to gather our memories, pictures, and thoughts for someone who was a very special lady.

I still can't believe her voice, her presence, is gone, that she won't just pop into my email box with another tale, pictures of her "boxer girls," or just some wry commentary on my usual BS.

I wanted to make a place where we can celebrate her life, even the invisible parts of her life, hidden across the web of cyberspace, beneath the tip of her Alaskan iceberg.

So here's a place for us to remember her, and we can't have a memorial service without some music, and here's something to play as you visit the site.

Download MP3 of Jennifer Nettles, "A Place for You."

Don't forget to sign the guestbook! And if you have photos, music, or your own artwork to share, send them on and I'll add them to the mix.

Welcome.

Chris Boese

Hey, for some of us, it's been a while...

How about a little REUNION CHAT?

I think "Alaska" would have liked this, some space set aside not to be sad, but to visit and reconnect with online buddies we haven't run into in a while!

So if we reserve the guestbook for more thoughtful memories... why not use this space, as Susan is here-- sitting on the beach and playing with Shubert-- to give your old friends a shout-out, maybe plop down on a big hunk of driftwood and chat a spell?

Update on what will happen with Susan's Ashes

Here's some more information from Leah, who is just great at keeping on top of things.

I just got off the phone with Susan's parents. They are not interested in interfering with what Susan would have wanted. Susan will be cremated tomorrow and the ashes will be taken by Susan's friends Hosanna and Katt, who live in Anchorage.

Susan's friends are very special people. I met them when I was in Anchorage when Susan hosted a fishing trip and charted a boat for all of us. Hosanna is living with MS and is a social worker on disability. When Susan talked about having her surgery reversed, Hosana told Susan to have it done and stay at her house to recuperate.

Katt drove with Susan from Anchorage to Haines so that Susan would not be alone. These are two amazing women.

if anyone is interested in donating to the women who are taking care of finalities here is the information:

Please make checks payable to:
Kathleen Pinette
P.O. Box 671725
Chugiak AK 99567

thank you all so much,
Leah